Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
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Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.