Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
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I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
wtf is a larm clock?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
only writing recipes in wordart from now on