Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.

male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives

I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.

I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.

The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.

Her mouth opens, then closes.

The line grows.

#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬

Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

I just passed the cutest kitten.

It was much easier than swallowing it.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

me: please go clean your room

5: mom don’t yuck on my yums

me: who taught you that?

5: my teacher

me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”