Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

[Antarctic Courtroom]

Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”

Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”

Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”

Walrus: “No. I…”

*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

[Screams into a dark wishing well]

“I want my coins back!”

My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.

This is bullshit.

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that

I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”

Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”

[googles “camaflage spiders”]

-no results-

phew.

wait…

[googles “camouflage spiders”]

-11,345,453 results-

motherf

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon

Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.

10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.