Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*

Nothing happens

i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people

Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway

I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.

Me: What am I a pillow now?

Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.

I think we’re bonding.

TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?

OTHER TWIN: yes

TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.

Because manors.

The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.

Midwest trash talk

Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne

I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!