Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
normalize having existential bread
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Im on the metro and a guy just went “wow!!!” real loud and i assumed it was about the trump verdict but he’s actually just looking at pictures of pandas
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”