Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
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Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Writing, She Murdered.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
Meow
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help