[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”
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The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.