@EmmaJanePettit

Boyfriend is sitting by his computer eating sausage with Wikipedia opened to the page “Sausage.”

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@Jamberee13

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

@TheSweetestD_

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

@MiddleageM

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

@BGH70

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

@meghaffer

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

@JohnLyonTweets

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

@Gupton68

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

@nicfit75

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

@wankcity

I definitely could NOT be a surgeon. blood freaks me out when I’m high

@its_me_your_mom

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.