Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
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My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
wtf management?!
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Milk Cube
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.