Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.
Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.
Is he mad at me?
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Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Dad: Honey, I hope you know you can ask me anything.
Me: Why couldn’t rock bands in the 70s and 80s spell their own names right?
Dad: Anything at all, really. Just let me know.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Him: Come check out my church!
Him: They play rock music!
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.