@ohpeetie

Boyfriend is talking about taking me on a camping trip. Like, a real one where we’ll sleep in a tent and pee outside.

Is he mad at me?

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@ComedicBust

Fellas, don’t waste your time. Memorizing the lyrics to Gangnam Style hasn’t gotten me laid once.

@_ElvishPresley_

Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that

@Caissie

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

@BKLYNBeeyotch

Dad: Honey, I hope you know you can ask me anything.

Me: Why couldn’t rock bands in the 70s and 80s spell their own names right?

Dad: Anything at all, really. Just let me know.

@chudneyspears

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

@notacroc

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

@Shock_Monster

Him: Come check out my church!
Me:
Him: They play rock music!
Me:
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*

@daemonic3

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

@Marlebean

He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”

Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.