[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Yup
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?