Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
He’s dead
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Damn he played himself
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.