Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he

HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?

Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.

Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?

[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:

if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.

when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway

What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

her: let’s try roleplaying

me: can I be a hypochondriac?

her: you got it

me: *suddenly nervous* got what

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!