Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
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I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg