Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
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My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
step 6: release the wall snake
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”