Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said

[Sitting down at a restaurant]

Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.

the perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. preferably siblings. but they can’t both be the same type of stupid. one needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying)

This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies

It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.

me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many

Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash

[meeting]

DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI

PRODUCER: Yes!

D: A huge cast

P: Agreed!

D: Realistic family photos

P: We don’t have the budget

(at the pearly gates)

St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.