Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
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Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist