Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.

I want you to meet my friend “Ami”

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office

*gasps*

CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet

*laughter*

CIA: also someone in here leaked info

*gasps*

CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party

*laughter*

CIA: also someone’s a spy

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.

I think I’m being stalked…

[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*