Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
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Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.