Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?


BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

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5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..


Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.


I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…

For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…


Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you


5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.


ur honor, i call GOD as my witness
*jury gasps*
*nothimg happens*
*slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands*
damit no Gary sit down


I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.

And all I did was sign up.


ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?


ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?


I’m taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she’s staying with me and I love subliminal messages.