5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
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Cyclists who don’t obey street signs should have to wear their google search history on a t-shirt.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
ACED my prostate exam!
Manager: Your fired
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
ur honor, i call GOD as my witness
*slowley, a man w/ beard rises from the stands*
damit no Gary sit down
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit.
And all I did was sign up.
ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?
PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.
ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?
I’m taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she’s staying with me and I love subliminal messages.