Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
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[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
The Punning Dead.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean