Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
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There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
who will stop them
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Simple enough.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
smartest karate player in the world
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.