Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy

the dark web is just a goth google.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time

there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs