Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
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If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this