@NYC_Blonde

Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

@JWilsonGA

No, PSA, buzzed driving isn’t drunk driving. Buzzed driving gets me home 51 weekends a year, drunk driving gets me home w/a fat chick.

@SMLXist

What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon

@notalogin

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

@TheTalkingPipe

It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It will be my inability to know when I should or shouldn’t laugh at something.

@RaxKingIsDead

do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor

@VodkaShorebird

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

@MommaUnfiltered

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

@SaltyCorpse

My dog: I can’t get her up.

My Other dog: Did you lick her face?

My dog: Yeah, no dice.

My other dog: Did you run to the door and back?

My dog: Yes. Sheesh.

My Cat: Get out of my way, amateurs. *hurk* *gag* *hurk* Now she’s up, peasants.