Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down