Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”

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Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.


I was looking at my four year old son, and the love and happiness I felt in that moment was so overwhelming I felt my eyes tearing up. He caught me looking, smiled, put one little hand on my cheek, and said, “Mommy I can see your moustache.”


*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*



Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.


All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.


[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?


Now that it’s nice out I can drive with my windows down and let the wind ripple my chins.


My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”


*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”


i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities