Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
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USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers