“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
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[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Mapping America’s Far Right
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
its weird that when seltzer goes flat it doesn’t turn into regular water. you can still taste that something was Done To It
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner