Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store

So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.

ㅤ

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

[first time picking up the tab]

her: don’t forget to leave a tip

me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask

Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”

Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.

*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”