Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.

Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?

Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.

Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

Judge: how do u find the defendant

Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor

I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.