boys are so easy to impress
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Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer