boys are so easy to impress
You Might Also Like
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
This is Narla. She was not allowed to go to the park. And now you are not allowed on the couch. 13/10
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
What’s this sorcery? 😂
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT