boys are so easy to impress
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I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Air conditioning – not a fan
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
oh no, steve’s working tonight