boys are so easy to impress
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oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.