boys are so easy to impress
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“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
So true for me
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.