boys are so easy to impress
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Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*