[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.