[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
my babysitter let my kid make 11 milkshakes and now there are an absurd amount of boys in the yard. You better believe I’ll have my wife say something.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.