[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
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I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome