Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*