Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
You Might Also Like
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”