Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
You Might Also Like
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.