Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright