Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
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Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law