Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner

I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!

A short story of betrayal:

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”

*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas

My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.

I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’

~me as a 29-yr old.

Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

GOD: Done.

ANGEL: What is it?

GOD: A penguin.

ANGEL: So it can fly, right?

GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.

ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.

Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby

Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.

Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.