Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
who’s gonna tell her?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?