Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.

learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own

My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.

T-REX *runs past me*

ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush

T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

*i put two straws in my drink*

gf: awhh 🙂

me: hell ya double barrel

*i use both straws*

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?

Her: *blushing* sure

Me: What’s your hat size?

Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”

ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working

WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.