Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
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90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
People buying plungers never look happy.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
What do you call Winnie the pooh’s grandma? PoohNani 🤣
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama