Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

American recipes are litch like

•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste

This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

Things a raccoon and I have in common:

1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

🤣

“What?”
– Jude

😉😝

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Good luck with my paper jam, next person.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.

Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter