BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
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Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.