Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*waving two guns around menacingly*

WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE

What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.

I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.

Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa

I missed you with all my darts

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

*turns off life support*

*waits*

*turns it back on*

Me: How’s she now?

Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?

Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Amazon Review: Ghost costume

⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not Recommend

Poorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?

Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*

Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.

Me: I wish my toilet was sentient

Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three

I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.