brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Autocarrot sucks!
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.