brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

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*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*


Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.


ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.


dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good ūüôā

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?



[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know


Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.


The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.


what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?