@zoebread

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

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@419BillE

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

@Mostly_Cheese

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

@ObscureGent

ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.

@Skoog

dog person: do you like dogs or cats

me: all pets are good ūüôā

dog person: dogs or cats?

me: i like them in different ways

dog person: DOGS [holding a knife to my throat] OR CATS?

@MatCro

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

@WheelTod

Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.

@CakeThrottle

The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.

@KimmyMonte

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?