brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
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Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.