Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
#catsoftwitter
not to brag, but mine was free
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Proctologist = Analyst
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
