Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism

HER: yes

BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry

Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”

20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell

My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?

Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao

Accountant: what

Willy Wonka: what

So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.

My brother just sent me an angry text.

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere

I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

It has been 3 years since Monday.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.