Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*