Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!

Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.

Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.

Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.

Therapist: still on the first card.

JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith

ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus

JON: Bad medicine is what I need

ME: Can someone take Jon home please

Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂

*later to thugs* They know too much.

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”

Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”