Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.