Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
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I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
I was disappointed to learn today that my request for a six-month leave of absence was rejected. Apparently that’s “not how marriage works.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie