Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I WON A HAM TODAY