Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Okay this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself
Me too door. Me too.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Natural selection at its finest
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education