@MrPeeker

Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.

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@RandiLawson

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

@redditships

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

@RefractReality

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

@sofarrsogud

What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?

@Area51eh

This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.

@DropsNoPanties

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

@SardonicTart

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

@neonwario

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

@SSDated

You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.

@o__0Dev

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.