Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.

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Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.


My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]


In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.


What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?


This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying. nnnnMust be doing something wrong.


10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML


Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him


if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”


You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.


A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.