Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.

You Might Also Like


“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon


me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?


Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.


*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*


update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared


[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

[turns into bat and flies away]


HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok


Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.