I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
the official breakfast of 2021
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.