“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.
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me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
[turns into bat and flies away]
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.