@MrPeeker

Brad Pitt. While you’re helping the world, please feed your wife.

You Might Also Like

@FeelingEuphoric

“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon

@BBolander

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

@BGH70

Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.

@SondraDeeMe

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

@AminaMarx

update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared

@Reverend_Scott

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

@ArfMeasures

HER: You ran over my cat

ME: I’m so sorry

HER: You’re gonna have to replace him

ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok

@TuSoonShakur

Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.