Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
(Every historical tour)
Them: this site is amazing, look at the architecture
Me: Oh wow very cool
Them: Anyway so the atrocities committed on this site include genoci…
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I wish I had the confidence of this kitten who jumps up the same wall everyday thinking it’s gonna stick to it like Spider-Man
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Just me?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
