Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
