Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Hamburger Hinderer.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
life lately
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
