bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
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5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf