Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
I’m not sorry.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
A roof is a house hat.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom