Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
You Might Also Like
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Too easy.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”