Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.