Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.