[one month later]
Sorry, just got your text. Do you still want to break up?
*braids your voodoo doll’s hair
Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA
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If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.
Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.
Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?
Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.
9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.