Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.