I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
*braids your voodoo doll’s hair
Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA
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“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?
Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets