@ThaJawn

*braids your voodoo doll’s hair

Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA

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@Havish_AF

I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.

@SaraQDavid

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

@TheTobbie

Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…

@UncleDuke1969

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

@joejwest

[on date]
ME: Watch this [puts chopsticks up nose, does silly face]
DATE: This isn’t even a Chinese restaurant did you bring those with you?

@drinksmcgee

Is there such a thing as “Spirit Furniture”? I think I’ve found mine…

@evaandheriud

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

@HavocMantis

You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.