@ThaJawn

*braids your voodoo doll’s hair

Me: HAHAHAHA! She will wake up and be like “who braided my hair” HAHAHAHA

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@Sassafrantz

[one month later]
Sorry, just got your text. Do you still want to break up?

@gagging

If you think marijuana doesn’t kill you’ve obviously never read the bible. People getting stoned to death left and right.

@gruffybeard

Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan.

Me: *makes another plate of nachos*

@torahhorse

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

@daemonic3

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

@DamienFahey

I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”

@gwatts77

9 yo: Hey dad, where is the rest of that ladies bikini?

Me: That is actually called a G-string, son.

9: Oh, does the “G” stand for gross?

@Darlainky

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

@ericacanrant

If your partner makes you sleep closest to the door, you are either the protector or bait for the zombies.