Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We’re swimming in debt

Wife: It’s fine

Me: The kids are going nuts

Wife: They’re fine

Me: You haven’t had a break in months

Wife: I’m fine

Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means

Wife: I’M FINE

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.

Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”

Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

[dinner, my place]

“This tastes like pork?”

ME: You asked for a nice swine

“No, a nice wine”

ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.

I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”

WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

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