Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.

That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…

I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

*first time at a Michelin restaurant*

Me: “One order of tires, please.”

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Erm I’m gonna say no

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Okay me first