Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”

“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”

[Inventing Squash]

FRIEND: What are you doing?

ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall

FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

“can we play our computers on the plane?”

bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb