Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who carry their dogs around,

You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs

“What’s your band name?”

“The Who”

“The band?”

“Not The Band, The Who”

“Please don’t make me guess who”

“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”

“May I have some of your drugs?”

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep

You are not your own worst enemy.

You have many more enemies.

My dinosaur expert child just schooled me

Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?

5yo: They have different names

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

LOL!

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.

Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”

squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!

Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator